More on Making Demands
Some people are touchy. They perceive slights where none are intended. Why? Because they make unreasonable demands on other people. Consciously or not, they harbor inflated expectations that guarantee trouble.
We have already considered one such demand: “You must treat my wants as imperatives,” or, more simply, “My wish is your command!” Here is another: “You must treat me with deference.” Not with respect. Deference. What’s the difference? We show respect to equals; we show deference to superiors.
I once had a colleague who demanded deference. Since students often gave it, they found him to be a friendly and thoughtful professor. But faculty colleagues treated him as a peer, not a superior. They respected his academic achievements, but they didn’t rave over every article he published. Nor did they hesitate to disagree with him in faculty meetings. Such treatment did not sit well with him. He carried a chip on his shoulder and fumed at imaginary slights.
He was often curt. Sometimes cutting. To establish his stature, he would storm over trivial departmental issues until colleagues yielded to his will. This otherwise decent man demanded deference, and, in the process, pushed away the very people who tried to befriend him.
Demands for deference run counter to the Christian way. Jesus said as much when answering a foolish question raised by his disciples. They asked, “Who is greatest in the kingdom of heaven?” Jesus called a young child to his side and said, “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever takes a humble place — becoming like this little child — is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven” (see Matt. 18:2-4).
A friend of mine put it well: “Servants don’t get offended when people treat them like … servants.”
Paul